Old McDonald Runs for House, 2-0-0-8-1 by Gabriella Herkert

by Gabriella Herkert

The world has been a pretty confusing place in the last year. Wars and recession. Weapons of mass destruction and SARS. Pretty much everything after the World Trade Towers fell has seemed big and dark and scary. Now it’s time to elect a President again and in a world with so much tragedy and insecurity I couldn’t imagine being irreverent. I reread this piece, written pre-9/11, when the election of the leader of the free world seemed a time for irreverent comment. Maybe it’s time to let the laughter back in. Then again, maybe I was just before my time. Here is my political manifesto:

The people who created the Ronald McDonald character need to think outside the box. Their ad campaign needs to evolve into a political campaign. Never have we been more in need of a real man in the White House. I say put the golden arches up on Pennsylvania Avenue.

Let me make my case. It’s not like Ronald McDonald would be the first clown in the White House. The American public clearly bears no prejudice against bozos seeking higher office and Ronald is more qualified than most. First, he has run a successful business for many years. Think of the progress we could make if his customer service policies extended into the government. The IRS could offer fries with an audit. Social security checks could come with McDonald’s gift certificates to stretch that dollar. And have you ever seen a group more in need of Happy Meals than Congress? I haven’t.

Ronald could put together a good platform on which to run. He is committed to public service. The Ronald McDonald Houses have helped thousands with medical costs. This is a man who could get behind health care reform. As for his job initiative, the guy has already been the employer of hundreds of thousands. He believes in higher education. He even has his own university. Foreign policy? No problem. We’ll exchange franchises for peace. People are just more content sipping strawberry shakes. Ronald clearly has a better overall grasp of the needs of the country than most. Ronald McDonald, you’re my man.

The rest of the ticket is a little more difficult. Mayor McCheese is a likely running mate. After all, with term limits how much longer can he be mayor? He is a practiced politician with great name recognition. His only weakness is the crime issue. The Hamburglar has been at large for years. It could be his Achilles heel. Still, I bet he knows how to spell potato.

I say let the Fry Kids form a political action committee and test the public response along with the scratch off win a million game. It’s time for new leadership.

Vote Ronald for McPresident!

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