The Story of the Othermother
By Xochitl-Julisa Bermejo
I Love Lucy fantasies planted from the TV
and into her mind on sick days home from school.
So far back buried the seed of a husband
she was to reach for with twinkles in her eyes
before saying, “Ricky, Darling.”
She believed in what would grow between them
and the culture they’d carefully collect like items for a nest–
drums and poetry, dance and gratitude.
But no husband sprouted.
They told her, “Have a baby on your own!”
but she wanted to fall in love. They told her,
“Have a baby with your family!” But she wanted
a new meaning for family
that didn’t leave her so– flinched.
Now she watches romcoms to soak hopes
in tears, craft spells out of soundtracks, undo curses
left by loved ones who taught her love backwards
while standing on one foot. She chants
enough, enough, enough.
She craves the meaning of partner, to break it apart
with her fingers and stuff her mouth with it
till her belly is full. To know mother
from beneath her ribs. She learns tía
by weaving a braid down the middle of her niece’s back
and counting how many steps her nephew can take
before he’s too far out of reach.
But lover remains like a brand burned into skin.
She calls children who are hers but not hers, my loves,
my babes, my babies. Once a woman winced, “That’s weird.”
But her sister-in-law never minds she calls them mine,
especially when they are all ours.
The son of a friend called for help on an essay
and promised dinner as payment. When he got the A,
she teased, “Now you owe me dessert!” The son of a friend calls her Tía Twinkle, even though
it’s been two years since she sang him to sleep,
hands acting as stars over his bright opened eyes.
The son of a friend dances into her arms
when she asks for a hug, and for the moment she holds him,
she’s satiated. But she still can’t quite grasp the bond to her godson.
These days she hand-picks divorced dads and dreams
of cozying into a ready-made-nest built of bike rides
and records, books and laughter.
But she never stops praying for an accident.
Xochitl-Julisa Bermejo is the daughter of Mexican immigrants and author of Incantation: Love Poems for Battle Sites (Mouthfeel Press) and Posada: Offerings of Witness and Refuge (Sundress Publications). A former Steinbeck Fellow and Poets & Writers California Writers Exchange winner, Bermejo's poetry and essays can be found at Acentos Review, Huizache, LA Review of Books, The Offing, [Pank], Santa Fe Writers Project, and other journals. She teaches poetry and creative writing with Antioch University, MFA and UCLA Extension and is the director of Women Who Submit.